I was attacked by a bollard.
This was not the first time – not sure what they have against me. This one had a pretty sharp edge and tore the side of my front bumper cover as I innocently scraped by – it just stood there silent, as if nothing had happened and bore no responsibility. With all the talk about self-driving cars, why doesn’t someone come up with self-veering bollards? Actually I think some exist but apparently not the ones that I’ve run into.
I took Esperanza – that’s my truck’s name – to a body shop for an estimate. “$1600”. What?! “Well, we have to paint the entire quarter panel”. Even though just the corner is slightly bent? “Yes”.
I went to the dealer and got a price for the bumper cover form the Parts Department. “$400”. How easy is it to replace? “You just need to remove a few screws and it just peels off”. Well hell I can do that – it’s just like Modern art and solving the Healthcare crisis – how complicated can it be? I’ll take it. “It doesn’t come painted?” What? “It’s the raw grey plastic color”. How much to paint it? “You’ll have to ask the Body Shop”. I’ll take it anyway.
Next step Youtube. No videos on how to remove a 2012 Nissan Frontier Crew Cab’s front bumper cover but there was a 2004 Altima and 2000 Pathfinder – close enough.
Saturday morning. I removed what must have been a zillion screws and plastic clips – the clips have dried out and some break as soon as I touch them. Still not “peeling” off. OK, must have missed some screws. Aha, there are two bolts on each side from below and within the wheel wells – nothing in the Youtube videos about that. 4 hours later, we have peel off!
The new bumper cover seems a little flimsy. Oh, there are 4 stiffeners on the old one that I need to remove and attach to the new one. Nothing in the Youtube videos about them. Hmm, the one right behind the tear is broken. OK. How do they come off? Something is holding them in place but it’s not a screw and its not a clip. It has a triangular head. I drove to AutoZone around the block and showed it to the salesperson. “Never seen anything like it”. Great. Meanwhile during the short trip I hear a very loud noise coming from the front of the car where the bumper cover used to be. I said to myself: by removing the bumper cover I must have dramatically altered the aerodynamics of my truck and now there is a loud wind noise. That must be it.
Looks like I have to go back to the dealer. They close at 2:00 PM on Saturdays and it’s way past 2:00. They are not open on Sundays. I’ll be driving without a bumper cover for a few days – no one will notice.
Monday lunch. I drive to the dealer – the noise is getting louder. Do you know what is holding these stiffeners? “You need to go to Body Shop”. Do you know what is holding these stiffeners? “Yes – those are plastic rivets.” Can I buy some? “Just tell me how many you need and I’ll give them to you”. WOW. How do I take them out? “Just use a drill bit and drill them out”. Sounds simple. Umm, how do I put the new ones in? “You’ll need a rivet gun for that”. How much is a rivet gun? “Somewhere around $300”. . . . . . . . . . Do I have to use rivets? “No, you can just use a screw and a nut”. Alright, back in business.
Back to the Parts Department. I need the right stiffener for my bumper cover. “We have to Special Order that and it will take a couple of days”. I don’t even ask how much.
Drive back – noise is getting louder and I’m beginning to doubt the lack of aerodynamics as the reason. I take a close look. The wheel wells have a plastic shield that protects the engine from road debris – their fronts are normally anchored to the bumper cover. Previously in this story, I had removed the said bumper cover. The front of both wheel well shields were dangling freely and have been shredded by the circular motion of my wheels – those are the round things that make my truck go.
Tuesday lunch. Back to the dealer Parts Department. “You’re back”. Two front wheel well shields. “We have one side in stock, the other side has to be Special Ordered”. How much? “$100 a piece”. Fine. Do you have the fog lamp kit? “Special Order”. Might as well since the bumper cover is off. How much? “Do you really want to know?”
Got all the parts just in time for Memorial Day Weekend.
Saturday morning, 8:00 AM. Wake up with a few sneezes – allergies acting up.
Drive to Southland Hardware and buy stainless steel screws, washers and nuts. But first, I tied the dangling wheel well shields to the metal part of my bumper with some rope. Truck almost back to its designed aerodynamics.
Drilled out the stiffeners, and installed on the new bumper cover. Peeled on the bumper cover, put in all the screws and clips that I could see.
Intermission
Installed the fog lamps and new turn signal stick – harnesses were already there. This part of the adventure went remarkably smooth.
Back to our Main Feature
It appears that the only way to replace the wheel well shields is to take the wheel off first. Jacked up the left side, removed the left wheel, removed shredded shield, installed new one.
8:00 PM. The sun has set. Positioning flashlight in strategic places to light up conspicuous plastic clip holes. Audibly cursing while sneezing profusely, water gushing out of my eyes. Thank God for those microfiber rags – they’re not just great for wiping greasy hands.
Moved jack to the right wheel, repeated steps above.
9:00 PM. Only 4 screws left over – I’m calling it done. Looks great unpainted.
Next up, install roof rack. Hell, I can do that.
the City 